She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
