Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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