I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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