You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
