I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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