I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
