HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
