sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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