I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I know her cup size but not her name....
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
