is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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