I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
