He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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