just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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