his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
