Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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