Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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