he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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