we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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