the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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