I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
