don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
