I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
