I just cut my nipple shaving
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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