Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
