Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
