I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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