i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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