My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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