just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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