there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
