Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
