Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
