And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize