One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
