Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
