so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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