i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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