The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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