Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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