I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
