you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
