Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
