What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
