I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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