I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
