All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
