I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
