How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
