He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Your penis caused this!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
