i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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