So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
