Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
