Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
