You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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