I just made out with a guy for $7.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
