I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My ass is underappreciated
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
