Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
